They held the strings.
We held the bag.
The vote is over. The cause is not. Time to find the scissors, Alberta.
Take the pledgeSee who pulledWell. That went how it went.
Months of rallies. Lawn signs. One extremely long press conference. And then the people who promised to carry the cause set it down gently on the curb and said “we hear you.” Supporters are angry, tired and out of bumper stickers.
UCP exists for one reason: to ask the only question that matters now. Who was on the other end of the strings, and why did the whole thing go limp at the exact moment it needed to stand up?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B
A loving roast, from the side of the cause that feels let down. Everything below is satire and opinion.
The Man in the Suit
Arrived with a calm voice, a perfect jacket and one answer for every question: “unity.” Did not so much win the argument as sit very politely on top of it.
Crime: Smiling in a way that sounded like a closed door.
The Premier
Sounded great on the sovereignty part. Sounded less great on the “now actually do the part where we leave” part. Preferred a firm letter to Ottawa to a firm ending.
Crime: Having a plan for every outcome except the one people were cheering for.
The Sock Puppet
Wears a cowboy hat. Has two buttons for eyes. Has watched every press conference and has never once been asked a hard question.
Crime: Excellent hat, no notes.
Five planks. All of them wood.
- Cut the stringsWe asked for scissors. We received a working group, a task force and a very nice binder.
- A sovereignty act with sovereignty in itFewer capital letters, more verbs.
- Hat independenceEvery Albertan gets their own cowboy hat. Nobody tells them how to wear it.
- Answers in under forty minutesIf a press conference lasts longer than a hockey period, someone owes you a refund.
- A national day of “told you so”Observed with pancakes. Mandatory. Optional. Check with Ottawa.
The slogan wall
Merch you can’t buy
Nothing is for sale and this site takes no money or personal details. These are just the bumper stickers we wish existed.
What you can actually do
- I will read the fine print on every promise, including the ones that come with a nice jacket.
- I will ask follow-up questions politely, loudly and often.
- I will keep my sense of humour. The strings hate that.
- I will go outside, touch grass and come back with a better plan.
This pledge is for fun. Nothing to sign, nothing collected.